Laying the Ground Work
In a world where the complexities of human relationships often lead to misunderstandings, the concept of reactive abuse is frequently misinterpreted. Reactive abuse occurs when the victim of prolonged emotional or physical abuse reacts defensively, only for their reaction to be labeled as abusive. This cycle can leave individuals feeling isolated, confused, and misjudged.
In this blog, we will explore reactive abuse through the lenses of three profound philosophies: Kaizen, Wabi Sabi, and Ikigai. These principles offer a path to healing, self-acceptance, and a renewed sense of purpose. Let us embark on a journey toward understanding and recovery, embracing the idea that healing is both possible and necessary.
Understanding Reactive Abuse
What is Reactive Abuse?
Reactive abuse is a term used to describe a situation where a victim of abuse responds in a way that might seem aggressive or abusive. This reaction often occurs after enduring continuous emotional, psychological, or physical abuse. The abuser then manipulates the situation, portraying the victim as the aggressor, which can lead to further victimization and self-doubt.
It is crucial to differentiate between reactive abuse and intentional abuse to understand the dynamics at play and foster empathy for those affected.
However, hear me clearly, both partners, in a relationship where this occurs, are abusive to each other. My only intent is to bring this to light and to remove any obstacle in the way to promote understanding and healing.
Common Misconceptions
My first wife and I developed what we thought was a healthy way of dealing with picky eaters. We didn’t feed it to them. This some times created a lot of cooking dishes, but was no burden to do so. One day as a family we went over to another couples house. We were going to have a fish fry. So into our bag of goodies went some chicken nuggets and veggie patties for the kiddos.
This kind of caused a bit of tension in the house, “why bring chicken to a fish fry.” Well, my kids need to eat and they will not eat fish, so why waste it. The wife and I will eat plenty.
As the night went on our host’s wife began to stir the pot with him. Prodding him, until they both met at the sliding glass door. His wife pointing a serving spoon in his face… waving it in his face, until he pushed it back in her face.
Who is at fault here?
Reactive abuse is often misunderstood, leading to stigmatization of the victim. Common misconceptions include:
The Victim as the Aggressor: Society may perceive the victim’s reaction as the primary abusive behavior, overlooking the context of sustained abuse.
The Victim as the Aggressor: A Misguided Perception
One of the most painful aspects of reactive abuse is how it can distort reality, not just for the victim, but for those observing the situation from the outside. When someone finally reaches their breaking point after enduring prolonged emotional, psychological, or even physical abuse, their reaction may appear intense, aggressive, or even hostile. But here’s the thing: that reaction is often the result of relentless provocation, manipulation, and harm. It’s not born out of malice or a desire to control, but out of sheer survival.
Society’s Misinterpretation
Unfortunately, society often fails to recognize this context. Instead, people might see a snapshot of the situation—a moment where the victim is finally standing up, raising their voice, or reacting strongly—and they mistake this as evidence of the victim being the “real” aggressor. It’s like watching the final scene of a movie without understanding the plot that led up to that moment
Another common misconception of reactive abuse is the idea that the victim’s reaction “justifies” the initial abuse. This belief stems from a misunderstanding of the dynamics of abuse and can be harmful to the victim’s healing process. Here’s how this misconception plays out and why it’s so damaging:
The Misconception: The Victim’s Reaction “Justifies” the Initial Abuse
One of the most insidious misconceptions surrounding reactive abuse is the idea that the victim’s reaction somehow justifies the initial abusive behavior. This belief can be found in many different forms, but the underlying message is the same: “If you hadn’t reacted that way, the abuse wouldn’t have happened.” This kind of thinking is deeply flawed and damaging, both for the victim and for society’s understanding of abuse dynamics.
Lastly, Blame and Shame: Victims may internalize guilt and shame, believing their reaction justifies the abuser’s actions.
Blame and Shame: The Silent Burdens of Reactive Abuse
When you’re caught in the storm of reactive abuse, one of the heaviest burdens you can carry is the internalization of blame and shame. These emotions can be incredibly toxic, quietly eroding your sense of self-worth and making it even harder to see the situation for what it truly is.
Blame and shame are heavy burdens to carry, but you don’t have to bear them alone. By recognizing where these feelings come from and actively working to counter them, you can start to reclaim your sense of self. Remember, your reaction to abuse doesn’t define you, and it certainly doesn’t justify what was done to you. You are worthy of kindness, respect, and healing, and by letting go of blame and shame, you open the door to a future where those things are possible.
Addressing these misconceptions is vital for creating awareness and understanding the true nature of reactive abuse.
Healing through Kaizen: Continuous Improvement
One of the first concepts I stumbled upon after my divorce was Kaizen. I was searching for a method to help my staff develop a workflow that did not overwhelm new hires and current employees. I quickly realized this concept could help me with my personal growth. I perceived my whole life my thinking and my habits were not working. I also knew myself and could not change overnight. I began to interweave Kaizen into my way of thinking. This is where my journey began…
Kaizen, is a Japanese philosophy of continuous improvement, that emphasizes the power of small, incremental changes over time. This approach can be transformative for individuals recovering from reactive abuse, as it encourages self-compassion and patience in the healing process.
Setting Small Goals: Begin with achievable goals, such as practicing mindfulness or visualizations. These small steps can build a foundation for more significant changes. I was 305 pounds the evening I left my wife and walked out of our house. 10 years later I am 208 pounds and have been as low as 197 pounds. This did not happen with some diet plan, some elaborate workout plan… It was achieved though portion control. I used to eat 5 eggs, a pile of hash browns and what seemed like a slab of bacon. It is safe to say I was a pig! I don’t allow myself to eat that much and with that small change I shed 100 pounds
Celebrating Progress: Acknowledge and celebrate each milestone, no matter how small. Recognizing progress fosters motivation and resilience.
I have what I call my List of 10. Ten things that are the most important task I need to accomplish. High Value if you will. However, you see this list never becomes a List of 9 or 8 and so on, its always the List of 10. This can be demotivating to essentially never get any where, but this list is not a To Do list, but a TA DA list. I am able to turn what could be a daunting list into a Motivating Endeavor that allows me to build off of my successes.
Adapting to Change: Embrace flexibility and adaptability. The path to healing is not linear, and setbacks are opportunities for growth.
An important point to understand here is, you will need to challenge your past ways when dealing with your triggers.
“The only thing constant in life is change” -Heraclitus
Building Resilience
Resilience is the ability to bounce back from adversity and is a crucial component of healing from reactive abuse. By embracing Kaizen, individuals can develop resilience through:
Emotional Regulation: Practice techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, or yoga to manage emotional responses and reduce stress.
Self-Awareness: Reflect on personal triggers and patterns to gain insight into behaviors and reactions. This awareness can empower individuals to make conscious choices.
Support Networks: Seek support from trusted friends, family, or support groups. Sharing experiences and receiving validation can strengthen resilience.
One night, right after my separation, I decided, “no one would miss me.” But because of my strong self-preservation, I couldn’t just stick my shotgun in my mouth, though I did try. Luckily, I drank way to much booze (liquid courage) and my daughter and boyfriend came home, I was unsuccessful.
The next day I thought to myself, ” remember your promise to your kids, YOU WON”T LEAVE THEM!”
This is the moment when I picked myself off the floor and began my transformation. I have used the guiding principle of Kaizen to take small steps that have lead to Big Results.
Embracing Imperfection with Wabi Sabi
Finding Beauty in Imperfection
Wabi Sabi is a Japanese philosophy that celebrates the beauty of imperfection and impermanence. Embracing this concept can help individuals accept themselves and their experiences, fostering self-compassion and healing.
Accepting Flaws: Recognize that imperfections are part of the human experience. Embrace your vulnerabilities and view them as opportunities for growth.
Letting Go: Release the need for perfection and control. Allow yourself to be present in the moment and appreciate the beauty of life’s transient nature.
Cultivating Gratitude: Practice gratitude for the lessons learned through adversity. Shift focus from what is lacking to what is present and meaningful.
We are only human, we make mistakes and say the wrong things but it is in those human qualities where the art is. The Japanese don’t throw out a broke cup or plate, no they tend to fill the cracks with gold, and in doing so they plate back together, creating a work of art. You to can embrace your mistake turning turning your moments of weakness into your greatest strength.
Healing through Acceptance
Acceptance is a powerful tool for healing from reactive abuse. By embracing Wabi Sabi, individuals can find peace in accepting their past and present circumstances:
Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with kindness and understanding. Acknowledge your emotions without judgment and extend the same compassion to yourself as you would to a friend. Everyone is emotional, they are not bad, it is only the actions you take with you are feeling that can be good or bad.
Forgiveness: Forgive yourself for past reactions and choices made under duress. Recognize that you did the best you could with the resources available.
Mindful Presence: Engage in mindfulness practices to stay grounded in the present moment. This awareness can help release attachment to past pain and future anxieties. This does not need to be over-spiritual, just be aware of the moment. Don’t take a picture of the sunset, but be in the moment.
One of the first things I did after my divorce was to start therapy. As I shared with her my struggles she reenforced these ideas. I had and sometimes still do punish myself for many things from my past, but really you don’t have a story if you don’t go through hell. What you went through was traumatic and this will take time for you to heal. You must learn to forgive yourself and let go of the past so you can finally begin the healing process and fill the cracks with gold.
Discovering Purpose through Ikigai
What is Ikigai?
Ikigai is a Japanese concept that translates to “reason for being.” It represents the intersection of what you love, what you are good at, what the world needs, and what you can be paid for. Finding one’s Ikigai can bring fulfillment and direction to life.
From a small boy I had ideas of grandeur. I was going to be a 1 in a Million. I looked for fulfillment in being recognized. But really what gives me the most joy, the reason for my being is being a Husband, a Father and a Grandfather. Working with my hands is another enjoyment of life. I am at my must peaceful state when I am doing these things.
We were taught in school and church to find your life’s purpose. Such a archaic idea, so vague and troublesome. I say, you give life purpose. The closer I am to what made me happy as a child, the closer I get to my nirvana. Here are a few guiding principles to help.
Passion: Identify activities that bring joy and fulfillment. Engage in hobbies or pursuits that ignite your passion.
Mission: Consider how your experiences can contribute to the well-being of others. Explore ways to give back or advocate for those affected by reactive abuse.
Vocation: Reflect on your skills and strengths. Seek opportunities to utilize them in meaningful and purposeful ways.
Aligning Life with Purpose
Living in alignment with one’s Ikigai can lead to a more purposeful and satisfying life, especially after experiencing reactive abuse:
Goal Setting: Define clear goals that align with your Ikigai. Break them down into actionable steps and regularly review your progress.
Meaningful Connections: Build relationships with like-minded individuals who support your journey and share your values.
Balancing Priorities: Strive for balance between personal fulfillment and responsibilities. Prioritize activities that align with your purpose.
Practical Advice for Moving Forward
Steps to Take
Recovery from reactive abuse requires a combination of self-awareness, self-care, and practical action. Consider the following steps:
Seek Professional Help: Engage with a therapist or counselor specializing in trauma and abuse recovery. Professional guidance can provide valuable insights and tools for healing. This was my first step I took and was the most beneficial.
Establish Boundaries: Set clear boundaries with individuals who may trigger or perpetuate abusive behavior. Communicate your needs assertively and prioritize your well-being. This can be a struggle at times, but with strong resolve you can protect your triggers while learning tools to help dealing with your triggers
Develop Coping Strategies: Explore healthy coping mechanisms, such as exercise, creative expression, or meditation, to manage stress and emotions.
I listen to music quite often when troubled to help calm my mind and think through actions before taking them
Educate Yourself: Learn about reactive abuse and related topics to gain a deeper understanding of your experiences. Knowledge empowers and reduces feelings of isolation. I have compiled a list of reading material and videos on my Recommend Reading List for you. If it is on that list I have read it or watched it. My favorite book is “In Sheep’s Clothing” by George Simon.
Developing a Support System
This is where we come in. A strong support system is essential for recovery and growth. Surround yourself with individuals who uplift and encourage you:
Reach Out: Connect with friends, family, or support groups who understand and validate your experiences. Sharing your journey can foster connection and healing.
Online Communities: Participate in online forums or social media groups focused on reactive abuse and healing. These communities can provide a sense of belonging and support.
Mentorship: Seek guidance from mentors or individuals who have navigated similar challenges. Their experiences and insights can inspire and motivate you.
Parting Words
Summary
Recovering from reactive abuse is a journey that requires patience, self-compassion, and dedication. By embracing the principles of Kaizen, Wabi Sabi, and Ikigai, individuals can navigate the path to healing and discover a renewed sense of purpose and fulfillment.
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- Kaizen teaches us that small, consistent steps can lead to significant change and resilience.
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- Wabi Sabi reminds us to find beauty in imperfection and embrace acceptance and gratitude.
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- Ikigai guides us toward living a life aligned with our passions, strengths, and values.liar od rw
