When you’ve been through something as emotionally draining as reactive abuse, you can end up carrying a lot of guilt, anger, and regret. It’s a unique kind of pain—one that leaves you questioning your actions and wondering how you ended up becoming “the bad guy” after all the manipulation and emotional pressure. Reactive abuse happens when someone pushes you to your emotional limit, and you react in a way that gets used against you. It’s a trap—your justified reaction becomes the weapon to shift the blame.
Recovering from this isn’t easy. The process requires more than just moving on; it requires a shift in how you see yourself and your experiences. That’s where the Japanese philosophy of Wabi-Sabi comes in. Wabi-Sabi is about seeing value in things that are imperfect, incomplete, and always changing. It teaches us that even cracks and flaws are part of the story—and that embracing life’s imperfections is the key to real peace.
This isn’t about becoming soft or settling for less. It’s about learning to respect your journey, take things as they come, and stop wasting energy trying to force perfection where it doesn’t belong. Let’s explore how the principles of Wabi-Sabi can guide you in rebuilding yourself after reactive abuse and moving forward with clarity and strength.
Embrace Imperfection: Progress Isn’t Always a Straight Line
It’s easy to beat yourself up over moments when you lost your temper or responded in ways you regret. Reactive abuse pulls you into emotional quicksand—someone provokes you relentlessly, and when you finally snap, they hold your reaction against you. Afterward, you might feel like a failure, as if you should’ve been able to stay calm and collected. This kind of self-judgment keeps you stuck, replaying your mistakes and questioning your worth.
Wabi-Sabi teaches us that perfection isn’t the goal—being human is. The art of Kintsugi—mending broken pottery with gold—shows us that damage is not something to hide. Those repaired cracks make the piece even more valuable. Your mistakes and moments of emotional outburst aren’t signs of failure; they’re just part of your story. Recovery is messy. Some days you’ll feel like you’re making progress, and other days you might feel like you’re back at square one. That’s okay.
Expand on Your Progress:
- Look at healing as a long-term process. There’s no perfect path to follow.
- Each setback can be a learning opportunity. It’s about course-correcting, not aiming for perfection.
- When you feel like you’ve failed, remind yourself: A step backward isn’t the end of the journey.
Actionable Tip: Start a daily journal to capture small wins and progress. Even on tough days, jot down one thing you handled better than before. Over time, these small victories will add up, and you’ll see how far you’ve come.
Understand That Emotions Are Temporary
One of the hardest parts of recovery from reactive abuse is dealing with the emotional rollercoaster. Anger, sadness, regret, guilt—they hit you hard and often without warning. Some days it feels like you’ve made peace with the past, and other days you’re drowning in frustration.
The Wabi-Sabi mindset reminds us that emotions are like the weather—they come and go. Just because you’re feeling intense emotions today doesn’t mean you’ll feel the same tomorrow. The trick is to ride the wave, not fight against it. Trying to suppress your emotions or ignore them will only make them stronger. The real strength lies in acknowledging your emotions and letting them pass without judgment.
How to Manage Emotional Swings:
- Give your emotions a name. Saying “I feel angry” or “I feel frustrated” takes away some of their power.
- Create space between feeling and reacting. When emotions hit, slow down. Take five deep breaths or go for a walk.
- Accept the emotional waves—you don’t need to fix them. Know they will pass, just like a storm.
Actionable Tip: Set aside 10 minutes every day for mindfulness. Sit quietly, focus on your breathing, and observe any emotions that come up without trying to change them. This practice will help you build emotional resilience over time.
Accept What You Can’t Control
After reactive abuse, you might find yourself wishing you could go back in time and handle things differently. Or you might obsess over what others think of you now—maybe you want to explain yourself, defend your actions, or convince others that your reaction was justified. But the harsh truth is that you can’t control how people view you or rewrite the past. Holding on to what you can’t control will only keep you stuck in frustration and resentment.
Wabi-Sabi teaches the importance of accepting life as it is, flaws and all. Some things are simply out of your hands. Real strength comes from recognizing where your power lies—and letting go of the rest. This doesn’t mean you give up; it means you stop wasting energy on things you can’t change and focus on what you can control.
Shift Your Focus to What Matters:
- You can’t change someone else’s behavior, but you can decide how you respond moving forward.
- You can’t undo the past, but you can learn from it and avoid repeating the same patterns.
- Your energy is precious—save it for things that will move you forward.
Actionable Tip: Write down everything that’s weighing on your mind. Draw two columns: “What I Can Control” and “What I Can’t Control.” Cross out the things you can’t control and commit to releasing them.
Simplify: Focus on What Really Matters
After reactive abuse, your mind can get cluttered with “what-ifs” and “should-haves.” You may find yourself constantly replaying past events or worrying about how to fix relationships. But recovery is not about fixing everything all at once. It’s about getting back to the basics and focusing on what truly matters—your well-being, your peace of mind, and your future.
Wabi-Sabi emphasizes simplicity—stripping away unnecessary distractions to uncover what’s meaningful. In recovery, simplicity means letting go of perfectionism and prioritizing what supports your healing. It’s not about doing everything perfectly; it’s about doing the small things that matter consistently.
Simplify Your Healing Process:
- Focus on self-care—physical exercise, healthy meals, and good sleep.
- Reconnect with what brings you joy—whether it’s a hobby, time with friends, or being outdoors.
- Limit your mental clutter—stop overanalyzing every past conversation or action.
Actionable Tip: Create a simple routine with just three priorities each day. Keep it manageable—this will help you stay grounded without overwhelming yourself.
5. See YOUR Strength in the Ongoing Journey
It’s easy to think that healing has a finish line, some point where you’ll feel completely over the pain of reactive abuse. But the truth is, healing is an ongoing process—and that’s okay. Wabi-Sabi reminds us that life is never complete. There’s always room for growth, new experiences, and deeper understanding. Just like life itself, healing isn’t something you finish—it’s something you keep working on.
Your strength lies in accepting where you are and recognizing that every small step forward is meaningful. You don’t need to be perfect or have it all figured out. The work you’re doing today is enough. There will be setbacks, but that’s part of the process too. Real strength comes from staying in the game, even when it’s hard.
Embrace the Lifelong Journey:
- Progress isn’t linear—some days will be better than others, and that’s normal.
- Setbacks aren’t failures—they’re opportunities to recalibrate and learn.
- Your healing is unique—don’t compare your progress to anyone else’s.
Actionable Tip: At the end of each week, write down three things you’re proud of—no matter how small. This will help you stay focused on your progress and remind you that you’re moving in the right direction.
Conclusion: Strength in Imperfection
Recovering from reactive abuse is tough, but you don’t need to be perfect to heal. Wabi-Sabi teaches us that there’s strength in our flaws, strength in our setbacks, and peace in knowing that progress isn’t always a straight line. Your journey doesn’t need to look a certain way—it only needs to move forward.
Remember: You’re not broken because you reacted. You’re human. And every crack, every misstep, every small victory is part of what makes you stronger. Just like a piece of Kintsugi pottery, you are more valuable—not in spite of your cracks, but because of them.
